On finding hobbies as an adult, meritocracy, and self-worth
Part 1: The Problem
I have always been bad at hobbies.
So bad that the reason that caused me the most crying in childhood was boredom.
I remember feeling absolutely lost, terrified, and embarrassed every time I didn’t know what to do with my free time.
No idea that came to my head felt right. Nothing was good enough.
The solution I found at that time was simple — you don’t have to worry about the free time you don’t have. And “luckily”, I was just about to start school, so I had a perfect opportunity to occupy myself working towards a meritocratic ideal 24/7.
15 years later, after a middle and a high school diploma with honors, a bronze medal at the international biology olympiad, and one dropped undergraduate degree, let me present you a 21-year-old with no real interests or goals in mind — myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have interests. Everyone does. I just have no clue what they are and zero experience developing them.
Trying to find comfort in meritocratic achievements didn’t really work for me. Here is why.
15 years ago I couldn’t understand one important thing. It wasn’t drawing or reading that wasn’t good enough of a hobby in my mind. It was me.
It wasn’t just comfort I tried to find in academic achievements, I tried to find there my worth.
Sometimes I wish that I could go back in time and tell my frightened 6-year-old self that there is nothing wrong with feeling bored. I wish I could support her on her journey of self-discovery, prove that her interests are valid and worthy and that she is valid and worthy herself.
Of course, time travel does not exist. But there is still something that I can do.
What if I could learn to see my worth beyond something to be earned and rather start seeing it as something that already exists and is waiting to be explored?
To put it differently, if I didn’t get a chance to develop my interests as a child, why can’t I do that as an adult?
Here on Earth, we call this process finding a hobby.
Part 2: The Solution
I sat out on the task of finding a hobby a while ago and it turned out to be not as easy as one may expect, especially for a former overachiever like me.
But hey, it is totally possible. You just need to find your thing, right?
The only question is… how?
The 50-hobbies-to-pick-up-today kind of articles didn’t really work for me, as they kept repeating all the same things, so I had to find another approach.
And at one point I stumbled upon a tweet that is now living in my mind rent-free. It stated:
It is curious how finding yourself is essentially coming back to what you loved doing as a child.
Seriously, think about it.
What could be a better hobby than something you were genuinely interested in as a kid before you got brainwashed with all the things you should and shouldn’t like?
I always wanted to try crocheting amigurumi. The idea of crafting cute little animals always seemed fun, but I never got to properly try it.
Learning crafts by yourself can be quite a bit of work and certainly requires a lot of patience, but here I am 2 weeks into this new hobby confidently doing 2 basic stitches all by myself.
Call me dramatic, but I think I am doing something very important here. I am building my foundation of self outside of career, work, and achievements.
We are taught to put so much emphasis on relationships and careers in defining ourselves, that having neither of those one can feel like an empty space.
No, you are not an empty space. There is much more to you than your job and your spouse, really.
There is a whole world inside of you to explore.
I learned the hard way that it is very important to notice and develop your interests to build your comprehensive balanced understanding of self.
And it is never too late to start. After all, it is a journey for life.
Right now I discover myself through my hobbies for the first time in my life. At 21. And it feels amazing.
I deeply hope that if you need this in your life you will find your way to do the same.
Thank you for reading and have a great day!
